Can I Hug You Back?
A common question I get from clients is “Can I hug you back?”
The answer is “Yes! You can hug me back.” What people are actually asking is if I will be the only one doing the touching or if they can touch me too. You may think just because someone schedules a session with a Platonic Touch Practitioner then they must assume there is going to be lots of touch going back and forth. However, in this business, we leave no room for assumptions and all the space for discussions.
Confusion
There are many reasons why people are unsure if touch will go both ways.
In most cases people do not have experience with professional therapists allowing themselves to be touched. If we look at massage therapists, the most well-known therapeutic touch in western culture, there are ethical regulations around giving touch to a client and never receiving touch in return. Part of this was due to massage becoming massage “therapy” and being seen as a bonified medical therapy. They had to help people understand they were in fact, not sex works. What better way to do that then touch going one direction from the professional to the client allowing for the therapist to lead the session? You would not ask your psychotherapist how they are feeling in their marriage would you? I suppose you could but most likely they will not answer in a vulnerable way.
The #Metoo movement has done such an incredible job bring sexual misconduct and assault to the forefront of discussion to help change, not just the culture, but also our laws. It has also made men, specifically, stop and ask before touching a woman and even choosing not to touch at all. Due to this, clients have asked if it is acceptable and legal to touch me specifically siting the Me Too movement. They are terrified of doing or saying something wrong and offending me in any way that they will choose not to touch in session. If they lay perfectly still and only allow me to touch, without asking for what they want, then they cannot be “wrongly accused” for doing…anything.
When I was supposed to do a seminar at an active living facility a few years ago, the activities director contacted me days before the event to tell me she had to cancel it. Evidently a gang of female residence stormed her office siting “The men cannot be trusted!” It would not be the first or the last time I heard these words. And it is not just the elderly women, it is the middle age women as well. My friend once said to me “I could never do what you do. I would probably get raped.” Although said in tongue-in-cheek, there is definitely truth behind her statement. Countless times I have heard “I do not think I can trust myself to have a session with you.” Their entire lives men have been told they are bad and wrong and they cannot be trusted around women. We are taught that men are dangerous and not to be trusted. Statements such as “If we only knew what was going through their mind?” and, “Men do not understand the word ‘no!’ and they will take what they want.” In some instances, these statements could be true. In a session with a trained, platonic touch practitioner, who will hold firm boundaries, it should not be true. When there is open communication in session, these thoughts are shared and never shamed.
Take a moment and think of the individuals you have appreciated touch with in the past. Were they friends, family and loved ones? Where they people you trusted and who trusted you? Now imagine you are suddenly thrown into a situation where you do not know much about the person you are supposed to lay your head in their lap and be connect? Suddenly there is a level of intimacy that is allowed to happen and you are unsure of how it is supposed to go down. I would expect you too would ask if you get to touch me back. Circumstances dictate you are now a fish out of water and completely confused by your surroundings. How would you know what is acceptable and what is not?
Here is such an example
During a consultation I discussed the Touch & Connection Scale (T&CS) of 1-10. The scale helps to determine how much, or how little touch someone wants. 1 being no touch, no eye contact, little to no communication and just getting used to being in the space with each other. 5 being a position called Companioning where we sit next to each other with our shoulders touching and maybe holding hands while chatting. 10 is a lot of touching, discussing, sharing and eye gazing, including a position called Forking. Anyway, Forking is the opposite of Spooning as the participants face each other, while laying down in a full embrace.
When the client arrived at my office (we already had multiple virtual and in-person sessions) they wanted to sit in chairs, hold hands and talk (4 T&CS.) In the last 15 minutes of our session, they decided they wanted to try forking if only to get it over with. Even though I explained we should never do anything they are not a “hell yes!” to, nonetheless, this was something they wanted to experience. Part of the concern for having not asked for this sooner was lack of confidence in their body. They harbored fear around feeling aroused and offending me. Again, here we are with someone who does not trust themselves. I gently guided them into the position and after about 10 minutes we moved into Mama Bear Baby Bear (7 T&CS.)
So, what then?
Regardless of the reason why someone might not understand they can touch me back; it is my job as a trained professional to put them at ease and essentially give them a play-by-play of what is, and is not to happen. It is why the initial consultation is so incredibly important to have that time for the client to ask all those very specific questions. In addition, the practitioner should discuss those FAQ the client may not consider. If the practitioner avoids this discussion, the client could arrive to the session unsure of what is supposed to happen, leaving them feeling insecure and uncomfortable and incapable of asking for what they want out of fear of coming off inappropriate.
Now, how do we get men and women comfortable with giving and receiving touch. We have to educate our communities around touch and emotional intimacy. We have to teach people how to ask for what they want. It is important to note, many do not know what they want, only what they do not want. It is a good idea to get clear on these things. If you were to close your eyes, what kind of touch would feel the best right now? Why? When was the first time you remember being touched like that?
When I close my eyes and think how I want to be touched right now, in this moment, I see myself 12 years old again. When I could not sleep or excruciating pain in my legs, my mother would rub my back slowly until I fell asleep. Now as an adult that comforting, safe felling of my mother’s touch still holds true. When I see a practitioner, my go-to position is on my side, head in someone’s lap and my back gently caressed. A slow, warm wave of “everything is ok” washes over me and I can feel my mind and body relax.
