Eye Gazing: Why It Feels So Connecting
When a client said to me “As I look in your eyes, I get an overwhelming feeling of emotion. It feels as if you are looking deep inside me. I feel we are present and connected.” while we were laying on the daybed in my office eye gazing, I rationalized it and explained that it was nothing I was doing but instead what he was allowing himself feel.
The comment gave me reason for pause and I started wondering, why did he feel this flood of emotion? Was it really that he allowed himself to feel vulnerable? Was there something that I was doing? Why do some people enjoy eye gazing and others not so much? I wanted to understand the science behind it so I could fully grasp what was happening in that moment.
I began to consider other clients I had seen in session and how often they enjoyed eye gazing. What was coming up for them? Some might swan dive deep into my eyes and stare without looking away. If I was staring into someone’s eyes who did not enjoy it, they might quickly look away. If someone wanted to “give it a shot” per se, then they might look into my eyes for a few seconds before looking away. What was happening here? Why did some ask for gaze and others steer clear of lingering eye contact?
Examples & Research
In my experience as a mother, my children loved it when I looked at them in their eyes. As babies, they would become embarrassed and give me a gummy grin that would reach from chubby cheek to chubby cheek. When they were toddlers, they would reach out and pull my face towards theirs so they could gaze into my eyes and have my attention. Researchers have learned that babies wanting to gaze at a face with eyes staring back at them is part of the human social function. Emotion and gaze cuing are essential functions in communication.
The desire for eye gazing starts as young as 2 days old. Given we are social creatures, it is a useful tool in developing the social bonds of humans. What we gather from someone’s eyes helps us to determine if we are in a safe environment and the other person’s intentions.
The client experienced an overwhelming feeling perhaps because he became acutely aware of his own presence. Research shows that when we eye gaze we become more self-aware and conscious of our being. As if to whiteness someone staring back at us validates our existence that we are here and acknowledges the shared experience of being with one another.
In addition, someone who makes statements while making eye contact is perceived to be more honest and thus we tend to believe they are more likeable than someone who averts their gaze. As the client and I chat, we feel a deeper connection because of this. Self-other merging also assists in the connected feeling. Although common with acquaintances, it can also be seen with total strangers. When clints have their first session and they experience a new level of intimacy and vulnerability from touch and eye gazing they feel a deep sense of connection.
More than just honesty, complex emotions can be conveyed through the eyes. Maybe why we refer to eyes as the window to our soul. If the client and I are both relaxed, staring into each other’s eyes, we then start to feel the same experience. We are registering relaxation and presence. If I they widen their eyes in amazement, I will usually acknowledge the emotion and possibly feel it as well.
As I mentioned above, not all clients enjoy eye gazing. Sometimes it can be too intense especially if someone is on the Autistic spectrum and has a difficult time discerning feelings and emotions from eye cues. In addition, people with a diagnosis of anxiety disorder might feel anxious and stressed due to how they process someone staring at them.
What if there is no underlying mental health condition? Why would eye contact cause someone to look away? It could be a multitude of reason. Perhaps they do not have much experience looking at someone in the eyes. If they are self-conscious, too much awareness could leave them feelings vulnerable when they do not want to be seen.
I think it is also necessary to point out that eye contact interferes with our thought process and memory. It becomes a distraction from what we are doing. Often when I think about what I want to say, I will look away from those I am talking to as it helps me to gain clarity around my thoughts. Otherwise, I am distracted by eye contact.
So then when does eye gazing become creepy and weird us out? There have been many times my friends and I were having dinner, and somebody was staring at us from across the restaurant leaving us feeling anxious and nervous. It makes me think of the Jason Segel and Carla Gallos sex scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall where she uncomfortably stares into his eyes while continuing to say “Hi” every time they make eye contact. Psychopath is immediately what comes to mind. It has been determined that the most comfortable about of time to gaze is 3 seconds (same as a hug) but no longer than 9 seconds.
Conclusion
It seems to me that eye gazing is a deeply rooted in our biological social functions. If as infants, we linger in gaze, as adults, base our like or dislike of someone, and ask for people (sometimes complete strangers) to eye gaze, then it is an experience that can be incredibly positive.
If you have someone in your life that can provide you with eye gazing, I would say give it a try and see what comes up for you? Does it leave you feeling uncomfortable and insecure? If yes, why? If it is a confidence issue, perhaps you create an actionable plan to make more eye contact with people. Maybe you have never experienced gazing and you end up loving it. Might I suggest make time to eye gaze with someone you trust when you feel the need to be seen and feel connected.
Happy gazing.
