A Love Letter to Empty Nesters
At dinner recently, I met a couple who will become empty nesters in August when their youngest child goes to college. In an attempt to be warm and encouraging, I said, "Now you two can fall back in love with each other."
As soon as the words left my mouth, I cringed. I tried to backpedal quickly, worried I'd implied that their love had faded, but the wife looked at her husband and said, "I don’t know if we ever fell out of love," and he smiled.
It was a beautiful moment. Tender. Honest. And, it got me thinking.
So many of my clients share what happens in long-term relationships when the children grow up and move on. Some say their marriage feels flat, like all the air has been let out. Others describe feeling more like roommates or co-parents than partners. While love may still be there, the disconnection that comes from years of distraction, routine, and unrelenting responsibility can create distance.
Falling back in love doesn’t mean something is broken. It means you have the chance to discover each other again.
When the kids leave, there’s a sudden quiet. No more sports schedules, no more packed lunches, no more noise. Just two people sitting across from each other. That stillness can feel unfamiliar. Sometimes uncomfortable. But it’s also full of potential.
Reconnection starts with noticing. Noticing the way they smile when they talk about something they love. Noticing how they move through their day. Noticing where affection has faded and where it could return.
It doesn’t have to be grand gestures. It might be:
Learning what excites or delights your partner today, not twenty years ago
Touch that doesn’t come with expectations
Scheduled moments of intimacy, like a walk after dinner or Saturday morning coffee
Asking questions out of curiosity, not habit
Letting go of assumptions and rediscovering the mystery
Esther Perel, the renowned couples therapist, often says that desire requires space, novelty, and the feeling of being seen. You don't have to travel the world to find that. Sometimes it's as simple as choosing to see each other again.
One of the most vulnerable things we can do is allow ourselves to be touched, not just physically, but emotionally. And yet, so many long-term couples stop touching unless it leads to sex.
Therapeutic, non-sexual touch can be a bridge back to emotional safety. It removes the pressure to perform. It says, "I'm here with you," not "I want something from you."
Even something as small as holding hands during a movie or laying a hand on your partner's back as you pass in the kitchen can reignite connection. Touch affirms presence, care, and softness.
Practical Ways to Reconnect
Daily check-ins: Ask what they’re excited about.
Create rituals: Morning coffee, evening walks, Sunday breakfast.
Engage in shared curiosity: Try a new activity together or ask a deep question.
Affection without agenda: Hug. Hold hands. Sit side by side.
Rediscover touch: Book a couples session or attend a workshop that focuses on safe, platonic intimacy.
If you and your partner are entering this chapter with uncertainty, know this: there is so much more to discover. The quiet can be a reset. The space can be an invitation.
You haven’t lost each other. You’re just at a new beginning.
And if you want support in exploring touch, communication, and connection, I offer weekly in-person coaching sessions for couples. Let’s create something meaningful together.
