Seeking Affectionate Touch
As a platonic touch practitioner, I am quite familiar with the delicacy and necessity of human touch and connection. Many times, clients have expressed concerns regarding their desire for more affectionate touch from their partners without it escalating to sexual touch. I personally have dealt with just this situation with a past partner.
I remember asking my partner to touch me without it escalating to sexual touch. That meant, do not pull my shirt up, do not pull my pants down, do not start groping me, do not perpetually sexualize me at every moment when his hands touched my body.
The result: he decided to just not touch me because he did not know how to do it right. It was an incredibly passive-aggressive approach to feeling rejected. In addition, there was no change or attempt to change the way they engaged with my body.
We even went to couples therapy and attempted to work on this problem, amongst others, and the therapist’s answer was, "Well, Jasmine, he is a man.” I could not believe that was what came out of the therapist’s mouth. Needless to say, that therapist did not last long, nor did the relationship.
So here the question arises, "How do we effectively communicate our needs for affectionate touch, and how can we navigate these boundaries within our relationships?"
As I consider these questions, I find myself drawn to the nuances of intimate relationships. Let’s explore three hypothetical situations where this issue might arise:
Scenario One: After a long, stressful day at work, all Greg wants is to cuddle with his partner on the couch, feeling their warmth, allowing their shared silence to wash over him like a soothing wave, but he worries that his partner may misinterpret his need for affectionate touch as a sexual overture.
Scenario Two: Alison feels she connects with her partner most deeply through non-sexual, affectionate touch—a warm hug, a gentle hand on her back, or a soft kiss on her forehead. But she feels hesitant to express this to her partner, who often links physical affection with sexual intimacy.
Scenario Three: Alex has experienced past trauma and finds sexual intimacy overwhelming at times. His therapist recommends seeking more affectionate, non-sexual touch to feel safe and loved. But how does he communicate this to his partner without triggering insecurities or misunderstandings?
What is the one key element these scenarios have in common: effectively communicating our need for affectionate touch. The question, then, is: how do we navigate these discussions with our intimate partners?
Research by Holt-Lunstad et al. (2008) shows the necessity of non-sexual touch in lowering physiological responses to stress and increasing feelings of trust and safety. Similarly, a review by Grewen et al. (2010) determined that affectionate touch could stimulate the release of oxytocin, a hormone that fosters bonding and reduces anxiety.
We know now how important affectionate touch is to our health and mental well-being, so let’s figure out how we can ask for more of it in our life. Here are some helpful tips:
Step One: Open Communication – Start with an open and honest conversation about your needs. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and avoid coming off as accusatory. For instance, instead of saying, "You always escalate touch to sex," you could say, "I sometimes need touch that's solely about affection and comfort."
Step Two: Set Boundaries – After expressing your need for affectionate touch, discuss boundaries. What kind of touch feels comforting, and what kind doesn’t? Delineate these boundaries clearly to avoid confusion or misunderstandings.
Step Three: Practice Patience – Change takes time, and it's normal for there to be some trial and error as you and your partner navigate this new understanding. Be patient and offer reassurance that you're learning together.
Step Four: Build Touch Into Your Routine – Find opportunities for non-sexual touch in your daily life, such as holding hands during a walk, embracing each other before you leave for work, or tussling hair as you stand together. These regular touch points can help cultivate an environment of affectionate touch.
Step Five: Seek Professional Help If Needed – If these conversations are challenging, or if touch is a sensitive issue due to past trauma or relationship issues, consider seeking the help of a therapist or touch practitioner.
We are all deserving of touch that makes us feel loved, comforted, and secure. So, my suggestion is this: why not give it a try? See how incorporating a more affectionate touch changes your relationship dynamics.
Keep in mind, the affectionate touch we receive, also helps us to feel accepted, loved, and safe. When we feel these emotions, the connection between two people also becomes stronger.
However, like in my personal experience, it reveals deeper issues that need to be addressed. You will have to be aware of what arises in your relationship. Either way, you are making changes to make your relationships healthier.
