Tell Me About Your Experience In Session

Mental health and wellbeing is still a taboo topic of discussion. How many people have been told not to air their dirty laundry and that includes when we are feeling lonely, anxious or unhappy. If people are not sharing how different therapeutic modalities are healing, then the information is not getting out there and not being talked about.

I sat down with one of my clients last month to discuss why exactly he schedules platonic touch and human connection session. What is it like in session for him and what he gains from this particular therapeutic modality? Although he was a no to my posting the video, he was a yes to me posting a transcription of the interview. I have changed his name to “Richie” for privacy.

 My hope is that this transcript will help people better understand what Platonic Touch Therapy is and how it can help people who are feeling anxious, stressed and lonely.

Jasmine (J): Please share with what has come up for you since our last session.

Richie (R): Nothing particular other than feeling 100% present. It is of critical importance of giving someone your full attention. Like when I would be working and I would tell my children it was time to be quiet because I need to focus, and they did not have my full attention they were craving. I think even as adults, we can appreciate and it can be quite welcoming and a great feeling to have someone’s full and total attention. Them focusing on you, what you’re feeling and what you’re saying.

J: I think I mentioned that I am doing 75Hard Challenge and one of the tasks that I have to complete every day is reading ten pages of a book. I just started Together by Vivek Murthy which is about human connection and togetherness. He says when we are multitasking we are not giving our total attention to someone and we are only half way connecting with them. That is why some of us feel a loneliness. We may be in close proximity, if everyone on their phones is looking down, but not connecting with each other. Saying “Yeah. Uh-huh.” Like the example you gave me about your son asking you to pay attention. We are only half way present with each other.

R: You miss out of a lot on that connection. You will see two people at a restaurant, eating together, and they both are on their phones. They may be in the same location but they are not present with each other.

J: In session, besides touch that you are experiencing, what makes you feel seen or comfortable, or that I am really there with you.

R: Starting with your presence. You exude that you are focused. The eye contact. The pressure from a hug or an embrace creates a feeling of safety and trust. These things take me to a calming and relaxing mental space where it feels comfortable and safe to let go and not feel guarded in any way. To let down guards and barriers, particularly for people we do not know or for work environments, you have your mask and gauds that you put up, to let those down is a pretty intense vulnerability which I do not do very often. To be able to go there is a new experience and a very rare experience.

M: Why is it a rare experience to access that within yourself?

R: Much of it has to do with time because everyone is generally rushing to do something else. Rushing out the door we miss those moments as we do not allow ourselves to simmer in the moment. In session, there is simmering. Yes there is a time constraint, but that time constraint is sort of out there and it does not make me feel rushed. That does not happen in daily life, I do not think.

J: Since COVID I have developed a better relationship with my children. And not that it was ever strained, but I have gotten to know them better by spending so much more time with them than I had before. On a typical day I would have been working at my office and they would have been at school all day. We now have these little moments of connection in the morning, at lunch and breaks throughout the day. Had schools not been shut down, I do not know if we would have made the time.

R: It has forced us all to slow down because there is nothing to go to. You cannot go anywhere. Simmering is a good analogy. I have a friend in NY, he has said he is talking to people on the phone regularly but it is not the same. He says it is killing him that he cannot hug anybody…and he is a real hugger. What the virus has done is helped people appreciate touch. You do not know you should miss it, until it is gone. I would even like to go to a baseball game and sit next to a stranger, but that is not going to happen.

J: We had our first session in August. How long had you been thinking about scheduling a session?

R: Really August? I thought it was much earlier than that. I must have been thinking about scheduling a session for a while. I had seen a different practitioner earlier in the year, and when COVID hit and everything shutdown, that practitioner was no longer working. However, the lack of touch in my life was still needling at me. You were the next closest person I could find. Then I started getting in my head wondering if I should see a practitioner. I should be handling my problems myself.

J: Sounds like you were shoulding all over yourself and dealing with guilt.

R: Yeah, I had all of that stuff bouncing around in my head. Then finally I told myself to go ahead and do it. I’m glad I did. One of the brightest spots of 2020 was having the opportunity to have met you.

J: Aww, thank you. I love that. I want to ask about the “shoulding”. What do you think you should be dealing with and why should you be dealing with it by yourself?

R: It is a whole litany of things, I think. Part of it has to do with male breeding that I should tough it out and get through it myself. Step it up. Be a man. There is a lot of guilt to work through as well. I feel it is somehow inappropriate and there is a stigma that is associated with touching a woman who is not your partner. Getting it out of my head that cuddling is not all of that stigma stuff. I realize there is nothing wrong with what we are doing. The problem is that a lot of people would not understand. Also, I did not understand at first. It took some working on my part to get to a place where it may not feel right, and that is ok because I am not doing anything wrong.

J: Right. You are not really doing anything that is wrong…..that you consider wrong. Yet you still have some guilt associated with it.

R: That is hard to root out. Being in an embrace with another woman, like we are in sessions, on the surface, knee jerk reaction would be, it is not right. I have never really been concerned by what other people think, so, with that logic, I try to explain away the shame. However, mixed in with that is all of my upbringing and what I have been taught that gets in the way of scheduling sessions. To breakthrough that I have to take the time to fully understand what is going on here.

J: You mean, what is going on in session?

R: Yes

J: We have talked about guilt before. I asked you if what you were feeling is guilt or shame. After some discussion we agreed it was guilt. I think it is very specific to what you just said about never caring what anybody thinks. You are still yourself, doing your thing. So that confidence, self-worth and self-awareness comes from within and you know who you are and that comes from within as well. You do not feel shame about who you are, you just feel guilt about what you are doing and the affect it may have on other people.

R: Yeah. It takes a bit to build that confidence. I feel I am confidant; it takes a minute to work through the thoughts. You get voices in your head telling you “it’s ok” or “it’s bad”. There are a lot of thoughts, preconceived notions, to get out of the way to finally decide, this is the way I am going.

J: That makes me think of something a client said. I have consent to repeat this. Client said that their partner does not think they should be vulnerable with anybody else but the partner. That includes therapists, practitioners and friends. I thought to myself “Wow! That is a lot of responsibility that their partner is putting on their shoulders.” That partner is going to take in all of the client’s worries, concerns, anxieties, woes, excitement. They have to hold all of that? Are they going to show up for the client’s needs? Are they going to listen and hold space when appropriate? Are they going to give feedback? Are they going to make sure not to make it about themselves? Are they going to share their own experience of a similar situation to stay connected? So, the client chose to not tell their partner about our sessions or any of their mental wellbeing therapies. They were dealing with guilt, but they did not see another way around it. I am all for complete honesty and open communication but at what cost? Some people do not want to hear “You cannot be my everything. You cannot show up for me the way I need you to and I do not want you to have to hold all of this for me constantly.” I personally do not want to show up for my partner perpetually like that. Ugh! I would definitely need a break…or I would break. It would be too much.

R: I believe there is a judgment factor. Even thought their partner is saying “I want to be there for you and I want you to open up and tell me everything” there is a risk in going there. The difference with platonic touch sessions is there is a no judgement zone. I can pretty much say anything and there no cost to it.

J: Right. You can have complete radical honesty without any repercussions. I try to create that safe nonjudgmental container for us to share.

R: I recognize the importance of counseling. There was a period of time that things we not going the way I wanted and I just was not in a good mood often. I was encouraged to see a counseled. So, I did. We sat down and talked. The counselor asked what was going on and why I was feeling the I was. I told her exactly what was going on and what I was feeling, what I was unhappy about, what I did not like and the actions I was trying to do to repair it and that it is not working and that is aggravating me. She recognized that I knew where I was mentally and emotionally, and to keep it up. However, if I were to tell that to someone who is not a professional, it would be too heavy for anyone to hear and try to fix.

J: I agree. I think people need to recognize their limitations. In our culture, people can be so possessive. Some people in relationships have the idea that they need to “own” their partner and together they need to be each other’s everything. Placing that kind of responsibility on oneself, somehow gives them security in their relationships or perhaps self-worth that there is someone who is counting on them. I do not know?

R: There are things that my best friend knows about me, and I about him, that nobody else knows. We have a high level of trust. There are different layers of how much you trust someone and who we will confess to. You do not want to put information out there that someone can ultimately use as a weapon against you and that can create some fear. With that said, I think what makes trust and comfort so key and important in what you do to nurture that trust. Honestly, I feel I can tell you the same things I tell my best friend and it would be safe with you. I feel that.

J: That is so awesome! I am glad that you feel so safe in the container that we create for us to share. Since you equate me to your best friend in regard to the level of trust, would you ever lay your head on your best friend’s lap and stroke their shoulder to comfort them?

R: I guess I would allow it but here comes the guy thing. We have hugged and even said “I love you” to each other. The concept of it, yes. The actual action of it, no. Men are not taught how to express, in flowing language, how we are feeling. I guess it is just understood without actually talking about it.

J: When you started seeing me for session, what were those first few months like for you? Getting the touch and acceptance.

R: Almost like a muscle memory. I believe it was the first session we had that you brought me to tears…or I brought me to tears. The relaxation, calm and letting go is kind of like walking through a gate into a green pasture with the grass flowing and the sunshining. I felt comforted.

J: When you say muscle memory, is that memory from your previous practitioner, or memory from touch and connection from your life experience either from childhood or romantic relationships?

R: I think all of the above. Recalling my first experience with a cuddler, after only 15-minutes I was wondering what was going on, why I was feeling that way and what was going on! My parents and grandparents were huggy people. There was quite a bit of hugs, love and closeness that was brought to bear.

J: Hugging your parents and grandparents is significantly different than a long leisurely touch session. Excluding touch sessions, have you always been one who likes to be physically affectionate and cuddle with your partners?

R: Not really. I am a toucher, hopefully not in a creepy way. Usually touching someone’s shoulder or arm as I am conversing with both male and female friends. As far as long leisurely touch, no, none of that.

J: I have been told many times by people “I did not realize I was missing this until I got it.”

R: That is what makes it so refreshing because we do not realize it feels so good. When you finally get touch you are like “Hey, I want to go back there again.”

J: I think that is how platonic touch can get addictive. I view massage in a similar way. If I could, I would schedule 90-minute massages 2-3 times a week. Can I afford it? Absolutely not, but it feels so good and I walk away more relaxed than ever. Now, that is touch only going one direction. The massage therapist is touching me. In a platonic touch session, touch is going both ways. I am giving just as much as I am receiving, as is the client. On top of which, we have the human connection factor reinforcing that bond. In my opinion, I think touch is the most superficial aspect of the session. However, it is the key that unlocks potential vulnerability. When you add the emotional connection with the touch, that togetherness, then it levels up the experience. Not just getting touch but being seen and having deep conversation with someone. I can easily see how it can become addictive. One of my policies is that I only see clients once a week at most.

R: It is both mental and physical. Much of the conversation, what I am feeling, what I am thinking, on top of the physical aspect of it, the warmth, pressure and closeness, is like a one-two homerun.

J: Want to talk about eye contact?

R: Yes!

J: You said when we eye gaze you feel that I am really present and focused on you. Given the research I discussed in my previous blog about eye contact, how accurate is the research data to what you are experiencing?

R: I do not know when it changed, but as a little boy I could not look at someone in the eye because it was too uncomfortable for me. Maybe as I grew in confidence, I became more comfortable. In the movie Avatar, when the Na’vi would say “I see you” meaning they are looking into each other, that is what eye gazing feels like. It is as if you are looking all the way through me.

J: So, looking at you all the way through? What you are feeling, what you are seeing, what you are thinking?

R: Yes. What comes before eye gazing? Comfort and trust. So, when we are eye gazing, I feel I can relax and allow you to look through me.

J: We keep going back to the same thing of being seen, heard and self-aware, knowing you are there and validating your existence in some way. My mentor, David Palmer, said that touch is something we can give each other and validate and know we deserve touch. Biologically our brains reinforce touch and eye contact through the release of neurotransmitters because we are social creatures.

R: Have you ever come across someone who was receiving too much touch? Similar to too much eye contact we would look away.

J: I talk about positive and negative touch. Wanted touch, receiving touch and giving touch. Positive touch is any kind of touch you want. If you are comfortable with someone putting their hand on the small of your back while they open a door for you and guide you in, that might be positive touch. However, if you do not like that kind of touch, then it absolutely is negative touch. If you are referring to in session touch, yes. In session people have said “I need you to not touch me right now. I do not want anymore and I will let you know when I want more.” On the mental or emotional side, they have also said “I’m done being vulnerable. I do not want to be vulnerable anymore. Let’s change the subject.” That is why communication is so important in session. For a client to get to that point they need to have a lot of self-awareness and believe they have a choice to accept touch.

R: I wonder because I cannot imagine getting to that point of saying “Ok, no more.”

J: Imagine those times you want to change position. Although you are enjoying the current position, you want to try something different. You are saying “This touch feels good but I want it to stop right now.” That is why I discuss and mirroring boundaries and consent during the consultation and in session so clients can be aware and comfortable communicating their “yes” and “no”.

J: How comfortable are you asking for something?

R: That is something that has evolved as well. In session with you, you ask me “Do you want a 5-minute hug?” and really, I want it all. I end up having to pick just one position. I end up having to qualify it because what may seem like a little thing to me, I am also trying to weigh out if for you it is a big thing. Remember when I talked about pebbles and boulders? It took my breath away when you asked “Would you like me to take my hair down for you?” I was like “Whaaaat!?!?” To you it was a pebble but to me it was a boulder. To you it was a little thing, no big deal. To me it was a boulder and such a huge thing you were offering me. I try to determine what I am asking. If I am asking for a hug, it seems like it should be a pebble for everyone concerned. However, if I am asking for sex, that would be a boulder. I do not have fear of rejection. If someone says “no” then no is what it is.

J: I am remembering one of the times we were engaged in a 5-minute hug and I kept checking in with you and gently reminding you to let me know when you are ready to change position. There was a moment that I was following your body language. I was hugging you and then I lifted my arms so they we not pressing into you but still touching you and you in turn released your embrace and put your arms down. That was my indicator that you were done with that position. Since you have been a client for the past 6 months, I do not need you to say “Ok, I am done with this.” To show me you are ready to move on. I read your body language. For someone who is new, I would ask them “Would you like to stay in this position or try something different?” I ask because I want to see that they are asking or communicating what they want.

R: It is good you say that because sometimes I feel like I am melting. I go wet rag. Everything let’s go. As much as I like to hold firmly, I also like to let my arms down.

J: Maybe you are checking in with yourself. Listening to you body and what feels good in the moment and allowing yourself to relax and feeling into you body. I have clients who close out the moment or position when they are ready to move on by saying “Ok, I’m done with this and I want to move on.” One of the reasons I do the body scan meditation before ever session is both the client and I can feel into our body and be super present.

R: I have talked to you before about wanting to be the protector or the protected. Perhaps there are moment where I am in total surrender. I totally let go emotionally and physically. Essentially, I am clay to be molded by you.

J: Interesting. Where do you think that comes from?

R: Sometimes it feels good to feel as if you are being mothered. You know, “Everything is going to be fine. You will be ok.” There is a good part of my day I am generally the decision maker. I am the one that is in control. Sometimes it is good to let go of that. You read all the time of men who are powerful and they just want to come home and be controlled.

J: You do not want to be responsible of what comes next or what is happening now. You want to unplug and allow the session to flow.

R: Yeah.

J: That is incredibly helpful to tell a practitioner that is how you enjoy your sessions. It is helpful for them to know so they can create a comfortable environment for you.

R: I am still thinking about when you told me in regard to eye gazing “I am not doing anything. You are the one allowing yourself to feel vulnerable.”

J: Right, I have no control over what is going on in you.

R: No, no Jasmine. You are involved and doing things. I am still working on that and processing it because I do think it is a combination of both. Of your own volition, you decide to rub my arm or massage my head. But what you are saying is that I am allowing and encouraging you to do these things.

J: Yes, I agree that you are allowing me to touch you with your consent and that is something that I am doing to you. However, when eye gazing, that feeling you get, you are allowing yourself to feel vulnerable. I say this because there are many clients who are unable to relax enough to feel that connection for a multitude of reasons. It could be due to trauma. Maybe they have never experienced that kind of connection and do not know how to access it. It could also be trust. I might take a few sessions over time before they say “Wow! I don’t know what happened this time but it is pretty amazing.”

R: I have come to recognize when I am almost to that state of being tearful. I feel the emotion building up inside me. But the first time it happened I thought I was out of control. It takes some time to wrap your brain around what is happening and get out of your own head and let yourself feel.

J: I think that people would have to know how to do that or have had that experience of self-awareness to get out of their head. In my experience, if they do not know how, it takes multiple sessions. Some people come in ready for touch, wanting to be vulnerable and have intimacy. Other people do not know why they are in my office but just know that something needs to change in their life.

What advice can you give to someone who cannot get out of their head?

R: It is kind of like a mental check list. I take each preconceived notion “this is wrong” and “this is not how I was raised” or “interracial is bad” and I know these thoughts are blocking me from moving forward. I start to break them down. For example, I might think “Society in general would not be ok with cuddling” but I ask myself what am I really doing. As I start to break them down, I become more comfortable with feeling and talking about my feelings.

J: Self-awareness and being present is what comes to mind.

R: Even now when I am on my way to a session, I still thing “Well maybe I should not do this? I should be able to handle my own emotions.” I will always be reminding myself that this is a good thing. There are not words, for what happens in session or where it goes, it is just being open enough to the journey I am experiencing.

J: You said in an email early last month “I am trying to be good…” which means that not having a session is good. It also means being in session is bad. How do you reconcile it within yourself to engage in something that you have guilt around yet is so healing and beautiful for you?

R: Yeah, that is part of the back-and-forth issue I have. I take the time to process it. I am more comfortable with touch sessions but society does sprinkle some doubt.

J: Absolutely! I think it is the influence of the people we were raised by; our culture and what society deems normal. It shapes who we are as adults. We then take these things people teach us on as rules of life and when they do not coincide with our values it becomes as struggle. We are perpetually pushing these ideas away as they are not serving us. You may think “This interracial couples are wrong idea does not fit into my belief system or reality. That’s not right.” Once you realize it, you have to work at pushing it away. I think it is a constant. Some people maybe able to remove those ideas or learned rules that are no longer serving them. Me for one, I struggle with shoulding all over myself.

R: I sometimes get weary of the fight. We have an age difference. We have a racial difference. We have a height difference. Haha! When those rules creep in I have to remind myself that you do not care. I remember to not allow it to get in the way of sharing, talking and relaxing.

J: Thank you for bringing that up. People coming into my office have told me they were worried if I would be offended by their weight, sexual orientation, age or ethnicity. One client was embarrassed that they we sitting with a Mexican American. I did not find it offensive, however I took it as an opportunity to get curious and talk about what that meant to them.

J: I have had that experience too. Apparently, I do not sound black and then when people see me, they are shocked to find out…I am black.

J: Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me, sharing you experience and allowing me to create a transcript of this interview.

R: Like I said Jasmine, all that you have done for and give me and how much better I feel for it. I am more than happy to help you and possibly help someone else. You are making the world better one hug at a time.