Turning Consent Into Calm
Turning Consent Into Calm: Tools, Scripts, and Tiny Practices
People will often share with me that they want to be able to engage in touch but they don’t know how. Well, I say it starts with you. You don’t need a perfect relationship with touch to start feeling safer in your body. You need a map, a few phrases, and permission to go slow. My intention for this post is to provide you with all three.
The 3-Part Map
1) Name the context.
Who is the touch for? Where on the body? How long? How will we pause or stop?
2) Agree out loud.
Use short, specific requests and responses. No guessing. No “shoulds.”
3) Track your body.
Look for the first signs of less activation (jaw softening, shoulders dropping, longer exhale). That’s your green light to continue or your cue to pause.
Here is a script you can use
Before touch (offer options):
“I have three options: sit shoulder-to-shoulder for two minutes, hold hands for one minute, or lean back-to-back. Are you interested in any of those?”
“Who would this touch be for? For you? For me? Shared?”
Make a clear request:
“May I place my hand on your forearm for 30 seconds?”
“Will you rest your head on my shoulder while we talk?”
During touch, keep consent active:
“Checking-in: stay, shift, or stop?”
“I’m at a 7/10 comfort. How about you?”
To pause or stop (no explanation needed):
“Pause there.”
“That’s enough for now.”
After touch (debrief without judgment):
“What did your body like?”
“What would you change next time—duration, pressure, position?”
5 micro-practices that regulate fast
90-Second Exhale Ladder
Inhale naturally. Exhale a beat longer each breath (4…5…6…). Stop where it still feels easy.Jaw–Shoulder–Belly Scan
Unclench teeth, drop shoulders an inch, soften belly. Re-scan every 60 seconds.Two Points of Contact
Name, out loud, the two places your body is supported (e.g., “seat… feet”). This anchors attention in the present.One-Minute Touch Window
Set a visible timer. Try 60 seconds of agreed touch with a mid-point check-in at 30. Stop when time ends. Debrief.The “Maybe” Protocol
If your body says “I’m not sure,” default to no for now. Get curious. You can always revisit later.
A simple 10-minute session flow at home or in session
Orient (1 min): Look around. Name five things you see
Set the frame (2 min): Who is the touch for? What, where, how long, how to stop.
Consent & start (1 min): One short, specific request; one clear yes.
Touch (3 min): Timer visible; check-in at halfway.
Pause (1 min): Breathe. Notice any changes.
Debrief (2 min): One thing that worked; one adjustment for next time.
Bidirectional therapeutic touch and why mutuality can feel safer
When touch is for both of us (and we both want it), many clients stop worrying they’re “making” someone do something. Stating mutual intent out loud reduces pressure, increases trust, and builds confidence in giving and receiving.
Troubleshooting guide
“I feel awkward.” Good sign. New safety often feels unfamiliar. Shrink the dose (shorter time, fewer contact points).
“I can’t feel anything.” Switch to structure: back-to-back, hand-to-hand, or foot-to-foot. Add a timer.
“I got flooded.” Stop. Sit side-by-side with no contact. Name two supports (chair, floor). Lengthen exhale.
“I worry you don’t enjoy this.” Say it. Confirm mutuality explicitly: “I want this too, and I’ll tell you if that changes.”
Two journal prompts
When did I last feel both choice and connection at the same time? What made that possible?
What boundary or preference needs one sentence and a timer to become doable?
I’d love to hear how these tools land for you. Did you try one of the scripts or micro-practices? How did it feel in your body? If you’d like, share your experience in the comments, or you can email me directly. Your reflections help me keep creating resources that support real, human connection.
